In retrospect

I've been doing a hell lot of thinking lately, and some soul searching. I guess this led to the break up between Larry and I. I called it quits because of a plethora of reasons.

I've told this story so many times that I'm actually quite sick of telling it anymore. We've been dating for almost three years, and it's not like I woke up one morning and decided to end it. No. I thought about it long and through.

Like I told him, I guess we both didn't put enough effort into the relationship. Especially true for a long distance one. I mean, the distance and all is already hard enough, yet I have to face seeing his pictures on Facebook arm in arm with another girl? Wait, I should correct myself. Other girls. Just because his friends are doing it too, that doesn't mean I'm OK with it. His friends do drugs too, why doesn't he do that as well? Dumb. Never use blain. Skewed principles.

And I guess I got sick of him rushing back to KL after visiting me for the weekend, only to hear of him going for drinks the moment he arrives back there. Stupid me, always buying the late flights home because I wanted to spend an extra hour or two with him. Stupid me, for taking leave on Monday morning so that I could spend Sunday night with him. Ah, I thought that was love.

I recently met up with a relative, and her husband's working in KL. They've been married for years and years, and yet, every weekend he would fly back to be with her. Every. Weekend. How sweet is that? I mean, I guess if you're in love and all, you'd want to spend every opportunity to be with that person. And fuck me, they're married! Aren't you supposed to be more complacent and boring after marriage? Jeez.

Plus the distance made me independent. I realized that hey, I had a life too without him. I stayed home (usually) on weekdays, reading or playing games and most of the time hanging out with my dog, and on weekends, I'd go out with my friends. I was having fun without him most of the time, as was he without me. So... why were we still together? Some weekends I'd go to KL and some weekends he'd come to Penang, and I realized that this disrupted my routine. I dislike disruptions to my routine. I couldn't wake up too late on weekends because I had to spend time with him. I made myself cook for him because he likes spaghetti. All the while I'm toilling downstairs, he's upstairs playing DotA or something. The life, huh.

And I guess we both love our hometowns too much too. My friends, they're down-to-earth. We're real. And we certainly don't get inspired by TVB to give ourselves fancy names like Bosco or Durian or, fuck, Fish. Larry says that we are too sensitive because we don't take insults from each other (for example, we don't call a friend pussy or chicken just because he can't drink). I guess it's just mutual respect. I don't know.

I'm also sick of his prioritizing his friends. Yes, friends are really important, but like a colleague said, friends should understand that family and loved ones come first, else they're not your real friends. I mean, I don't even have to give the 'your friend and your mom are drowning in the middle of the sea and you have only one rope to save them and you won't have time to save the other because a great white shark is about to attack which one would you choose' situation. It's a very simple question of: 'Would your friend feed you, clothe you, care for you, pay for your education, give you shelter, and when you weren't able to, wipe the shit off your ass for free for an average of 17 years?'

Didn't think so.

Plus, the love fizzled out. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say.

I imagine him, wallowing in his self pity, thinking why did I leave him, he, who is such a great guy, an all-rounder, a patient, loving, attentive, sweet, good person. Couldn't figure out what he did wrong. Came from a good family too, not like my broken one (makes me realize how utterly dysfunctional a 'good' family can be). I imagine him blaming me for giving up so easily, for throwing such a good person away. Thus, he himself gave up on me, for being the one who was always calling it quits. He gave up, and felt self-righteous about it. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. Then I imagine his friends, rallying around him, telling him life's still young, she doesn't deserve you, bla bla bla. Let's find a new chick for you. She wasn't hot anyway. She doesn't know what she's losing.

So hi, people. I know what I'm losing. I see it with clarity. And I'm happy.

I know he won't change. I've asked for a change before and I still don't see it. And it's unfair to ask him to change.

Thank you for the memories and the good times, Larry, and I wish you well.