Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I wonder, since there's strawberry scented shower gel, apple, kiwi, olive, banana, even moringa (what the hell is moringa?), why haven't they come up with durian shower gel? I want to for once, go in the shower, and come out smelling like durians. I think it'd smell gorgeous. Why can't they make durian shower gel?
I shit at any given time of the day, yesiree. When the bowel calls, I answer. I know some people who, like clockwork, go in the morning, or after work, or after any meal or else they will make massive booboo in their pants, but I go when I go, and on some days I don't.
I'm surprised they haven't banned Lady Gaga's Poker Face from national radio yet. I mean, it's got the word poker in it, along with other gambling jargons. I'm very surprised they haven't blipped those words. Imagine:
'Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my (enter silence of silences) face...'
'Po-po-po-po-po-po-po - - - - face'
I'd be miffed if I was Beyonce. They blipped the word 'beer' from her song and 'poker' is allowed? Heck, Korn, KORN muthafuckin' KORN came to Malaysia without a single snort and Avril Lavigne's concert faced protests. We Malaysians are incredibly imbalanced! Where's my durian shower gel!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Mandy's Very Nais Cake

The fondant cake that Mandy made for a friend's birthday. Looks delicious? Well it was.

Those little pink flowers at the sides of the cake were delish. Inside was a chocolate sponge cake, which was coated with cream. Mm-mmmm.....

Get your own customized cake today! Visit www.getacake.blogspot.com

Close up of the little pink flowers.

Close up of the flowers on top.

See, the cake was so nice, he didn't even want to wipe the cream off his mouth. Also, he was being disgusting.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My sister and white pepper

This feels like Standard One. I'm going to describe my sister.

Her name is Josephine Tan. She is 30-1 this year. She just turned 30-1 last week, matter of fact. She used to bully me a lot as a child. She still bullies me slightly these days. She likes to hijack my computer, changing my Facebook status and stuff like that. That's why I must be careful and log out of my accounts when she's around. She also likes to prank call my friends and message funny stuff to them from my phone when I leave it unattended. She doesn't seem to grow up, which is good because this makes her fun to be around when she's not grumpy. She also calls me her pet, which is not true, because pets are animals, and I am not an animal. I probably shouldn't say anything nasty about her because she is going to read this, but her gas really smells. She comes up with random things, and creates her own words. People also say we are weird. I think she's the weirder one though.
My father is Big Joe, my sister is Small Jo and I am Little Jo. People give me stares when I call my dad Big Joe in public. But I am not going to talk about my father here because this is about my sister. She ought to get married soon and give me a niece/nephew and a big ang pau every year. My friends call her Auntie Jo, but they better be nice to her or else they're gonna get a small ang pau when she gets married.
That is about all. Thank you.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The WONDERFUL side of Malaysians

Malaysians show their good side

RECENTLY, I made a trip from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur with my family. I was very impressed with Malaysia’s friendly Immigration officers and toll operators. But what made a truly wonderful impression was when we made the mistake of going into a Smart Tag lane while trying to read the road directions. Obviously, we were stuck as we did not have a Smart Tag card. The owner of a Malaysian registered car came to our aid and used her Smart Tag card to activate the barrier. It was very light traffic on that day and she could have easily driven to another lane, but she didn’t. To the Good Samaritan and all our dear Malaysian friends - thank you very much for your kindness and hospitality.



"But what made a truly wonderful impression was when we made the mistake of going into a Smart Tag lane while trying to read the road directions. Obviously, we were stuck as we did not have a Smart Tag card."

"we made the mistake of going into a Smart Tag lane while trying to read the road directions"

"while trying to read the road directions"

"while trying to read the road directions"

"while trying to read the road directions"

Who you trying to kid, Singaporean? Obviously you saw the lane with the least cars and your inborn kiasu nature made you hurry towards it, only to realise that the Smart Tag lane does not mean that it's for Smart people (which, however, you're clearly not). Then the primitive Malaysian driver, used to seeing such kiasu-ness coming from the people who hail from the spit of land down south of the border, probably sighed, shook her head, and alighted from her car to help you before you decided to sue someone and try to stab them with wads of Singaporean money.

I apologise, Singaporean, I like to make fun of you and your country. It's a Malaysian thing.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Holy shit, someone actually got a tattoo out of this!

I want a tattoo of Rob Pattinson!

What is an A worth these days?

19 A1s and 1 A2. Wow. An A must come really cheap. What was the passing mark for Add Maths again? 10?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I find Chinese people (regardless of religion) who don't celebrate Chinese New Year very, very sad. Even my tudung-wearing Muslim-Chinese grand-auntie (wow how many hyphens were there?) gives out ang pau during Chinese New Year. There are even Malay & Indian lion dance performers, for chrissakes.


Because it's CHINESE NEW YEAR, not Nine Emperor God's festival or Sky Emperor's birthday. It's the new lunar year, not a bloody religious celebration.

'Religious the-bible-tells-me-so' people who have pre-marital sex and use God's name in vain anyhow, you can change your religion, but you can't change your race. In the Race check box, you still gotta tick Chinese.

It baffles me, these people. It's just Chinese New Year, not the devil's parade!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I've always wanted to write a sort of comeback against Beyonce's 'If I were a boy.' Don't get me wrong, the song has a nice tune and I won't switch the station if it plays on the radio, but I think that the lyrics are a bit unfair on both sexes.

If I were a boy even just for a day >> I'd try to jerk off and see how it feels
I'd roll out of bed in the morning >> Morning wood, woohoo!
And throw on what I wanted >> Yep it's something you don't have to be a boy to do
And go drink beer with the guys >> You seriously don't have to be a boy to go out drinking with the guys and talk about women, cars and football

And chase after girls >> Girls chase after boys too...
I'd kick it with who I wanted >> Of course we kick it with who we want
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me >> Nothing better than your girlfriends sticking up for you to the point of grabbing your phone and sending a nasty text to the jilted but persistent guy

If I were a boy >> I'd try to pee standing
I think I could understand >> Not all boys are beyond any capability of understanding, I guess...
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man >> I don't really get this?

I'd listen to her >> Unless I'm deaf, of course I'd listen! I listen when he nags too!
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted >> I think it hurts both sexes equally
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy >> I'd walk around in boxers to air my dangling bits
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone >> Now hey, it's really not just boys who do these kinda scoundrel things

I'd put myself first >> A lot of people put themselves first anyhow
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home
>> C'mon... this isn't the previous century anymore where women sat at home waiting for their unfaithful, selfish husbands. I don't think women sit around and wait anymore.

If I were a boy >> I'd like to know what a blowjob feels like
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man >> Eh same lines, same goes for the omitted verse

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong >> A lot of women don't get second chances either...

But you're just a boy >> And I still want my blowjob.
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man >> You see, if a guy loves a girl, he loves her in his own way. Same goes for the sort of lovin' a woman gives a man; she loves him in her own way. And although we are a coupla billion people in the world, we are still individuals to a certain point, and we have our own ways of loving those around us. Unless you want to date yourself, nobody's gonna love you the way you love yourself. So what is she trying to say when she sings 'And you don't understand oh how it feels to love a girl'?

Do you know that they banned 'beer' on national radio? Beyonce sings 'And go drink (...) with the boys. Why ban the word beer? It sure as hell doesn't make me want to go out immediately and grab a Carlsberg. Heck, ban rootbeer! Rename it rootdrink or rootjuice or whatever, it has the word beer in it!

beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer


Monday, March 2, 2009

I like Jewel better in her first album, the very first one when I probably didn't even have pubic hair when it was released. She was so fresh, natural, even now as I listen to songs from then I can feel it. What happened to her?
I been reading Stephen King's novels like crazy (ayuh), re-reading books I read an easy 10 years ago, and reading the ones I was too shit scared to read. And honestly, they still scare me shitless. It's funny, things that scared me when I was young, like giving a speech in front of people, making formal telephone calls, I grew out of those fears. Things that scare me now, stuff like firecrackers, balloons, getting bitten by a dog or getting mauled by a cat, they didn't scare me as a kid. Fact, the only things that scared me as a kid were ghosts, monsters, and my sister.
I was just praising my computer for being so fast and it goes on and fucks up on me, lagging like a Pentium 2.